The issue lies in semantics when it comes to talking dirty or "sex talk." Talking about sex can sometimes feel awkward for many people because it’s labeled as dirty. The act of sex is already taboo and widely viewed as shameful, let alone talking about it. That’s why so many people lie to their doctors, parents or even friends about sexual escapades.
Unfortunately, many of us have been socially (and religiously) conditioned to feel ashamed or “dirty” when we speak in sexual ways, not excluding our intimate and romantic partnerships. When in fact, there is nothing shameful or dirty about expressing and communicating your sexual desires to your partner.
There is a running list of euphemisms to discuss sex, without actually talking about it, which further discourages us from engaging in erotic communication. The first step in not feeling awkward or ashamed when engaging in these types of communication is to change your mindset. Instead of viewing it as “dirty talk,” let’s view it as desire talk or simply sex talk. The words shouldn’t be viewed as dirty, but instead, you and your partner should be open to exploring each other’s desires by talking through that is in a fun way. So here are a few ways to get your started.
Sex talk can benefit your relationship and sex life
Erotically communicating your desires to your partner can benefit your relationship and sex life in several ways. First, it can change the dynamic of your relationship or even take your sex life to the next level. This is because when you tell your partner what you want to do to them or what you want them to do to you, you are more likely to get what you want! The simplest way to get your desires met is to communicate them.
It can also increase passion. My favorite example of this is when your partner can talk you through an orgasm. Imagine you are close to climax and your partner whispers in your ear the right thing at the right time (my personal favorite: “Cum for daddy. I want you to let it all out”) and before you know it, your entire insides have exploded outward. That’s the power of sex talk. The experience is unmatched, and it comes with practice and knowing your partner. Whether it’s during the foreplay stage, during or after sex, telling your partner what you want to experience with them, what you like, how they: feel, taste, smell, etc. are all ways to increase passion and keep you on each other’s minds well after you’ve had sex.
How to know if your partner is into talking dirty
The only way for you to know if your partner is into it is to ask questions and get to know your partner. Also keep in mind that there is no one-size-fits all to sex talk. What works for your barbershop/salon friends, may not work for you and your partner. Your choice of words will be a reflection of your current relationship dynamic and you both have an opportunity to grow from where you currently are as you get more comfortable with each other and expressing your desires.
Avoid Trigger words
You have to know enough about your partner to do this in a way that doesn’t trigger or offend them. That said, I strongly recommend against dirty/desire talking on the first date! To avoid any slip-ups or “dirty talk gone wrong” situations, it’s important to be mindful of any age barriers, cultural or language differences and/or past trauma that might unfavorably impact how your partner receives what you are attempting to communicate. This requires a great deal of listening and understanding prior to going this route with your partner.
Just the tip(s)
- Start Small
When you start small, you should be in the intel gathering phase. Ask your partner what they refer to their genitals as. Find out what language do they naturally use. You don’t have to be aggressive and explicit (and you definitely shouldn’t start here). With time, you and your partner will find your balance. You don’t have to be raunchy if that’s not your relationship dynamic. It’s not porn.
- Practice
Talk about sex more until you’re more comfortable. The more you talk about it, the easier it’ll get to describe what you like. Practice makes better. Try reading erotic novels (or listening to audio books) with each other. Share feedback with each other. Also- it’s ok to laugh a little. Sex shouldn’t always be so serious. If you read something and it makes you laugh, explore with your partner why it made you laugh, and how you might reword it. That could be a fun exercise to get you both closer to what will work for your relationship.
- Be mindful of partners triggers
You need to know if your partner finds certain words triggering or offensive. If your partner finds certain words offensive, do not use them. For example, if you partner finds the word “pussy” offensive, be mindful and use a different word. You can still say something sexy like “how does it feel when I stroke your kitty like this?” or something more suitable for your relationship. Sex talk shouldn’t make your partner feel uncomfortable.
- Use all of your senses and be descriptive
Use your voice to tease, instruct, encourage, dominate and or express love. For example, tell your partner How good they look or how good they feel. Tell them “I like when you suck on my ______.” Or “It feels good when you’re deep inside of me.” If you’re a beginner you might choose to say “Touch me here.” Just make sure you’re both comfortable in the words you’re are choosing.
